Tuesday, July 24, 2012

used the f word

I just read an article online, well, part of an article ....ha! that tv commercial, whatever it's advertising, just cracks me up.

Still, I did just read an article, albeit a non-scholarly article, that stated approximately 25% of adults diagnosed with aspergers also have seizures. It went on to mention the high incidence of a low immune system and briefly discuss the difficulty managing it all.
I have adult diagnosed aspergers.
I have epilepsy. Temporal lobe epilepsy.
and a low immune system.

I don't usually come right out and tell anyone about any of this.
Not even loved ones.

It's not that they don't think there is something wrong with me. I wonder if they just prefer the general all-encompassing lay-diagnosis of crazy.

I've heard "she just never grew up."
"What's wrong with her, is she crazy? How can she think she has this?"

In years past I was accused of suffering from Munchausen by proxy syndrome (MBPS), because from the age of 18 months until we left California, my daughter suffered from severe, chronic asthma.

When I started walking 3 miles a day, gave up fried food, sugar and reduced my meal portions to 'child-size', I lost almost 100 lbs and received the first correspondence in a decade from one loved one. Recommending I seek help for my bulimia.

When the business I worked for filed bankruptcy and closed, leaving me unemployed, I was repeatedly told, "Ah, we see this problem in so many people your age. They think they're going to retire early and find they can't, because they have not saved enough money and don't have medical insurance."

Some days I submit as many as 20 job applications. I've gone on interviews where I was scheduled to meet with a 'team', was led into the conference room where said team awaited to chat with me, and, upon entering, they all glanced at each other and one person would get up and walk over to me with a statement that, "The plan for today's interviews have changed. I'll be meeting with you, let's step into my office.". We do, I am asked a total of two or three questions, told I have remarkable experience and that a decision will be made that day. Of course, I never hear from them again.

I know why. I've hit the half-century mark.
Precise, logic-based, detail-oriented characteristics that I cannot just choose to abandon are seen as eager, hard working, enthusiastic and a go-getter when one is young. In later years they become stubborn, set in her ways, know-it-all annoying.

I know that most people do not understand why I cannot find a job. Likely the same thought that has crossed and recrossed through the minds of my parental units strolls through theirs. 'she seems so bright, if she just weren't so lazy'.

the branding mark of an Aspie.

I try not to think about the accusation of MBPS. It would have meant I was forcibly causing my daughter not to breathe. good gravy. This is what they think of me?

And I know I would rather put pins in my eyes than throw up, even when I am sick, so the thought of doing that to lose weight is revolting in itself. I've looked back at pictures of myself. I wasn't all that skinny. And I surely did not look ill. I had just always been the fattest [ ¬ shhhhh f word] one.

Before moving to Texas, I had medical insurance. Good medical insurance. Multiple doctors, a neurologist. I was diagnosed with temporal lobe seizures. Left temporal lobe. THAT neurologist refrained from using the word epilepsy. But the doctor I see now says, him not using the WORD doesn't change what it is.


I attempted for years not speaking about aspergers. Groups I was in usually agreed, never disclose. hen I went to work for a place I was sure was so loving, so accepting and so understanding - it would be better if I did disclose. Wrong.

It would have required previous education in aspergers as well as, well, other factors that simply were not there.

I've been avoiding talking to anyone in my life about it. Until Sunday.

i experienced one of the worst seizures I've had in 6 years. I was panicked and scared and had that all consuming feeling that I was just going to die.

After all the many years I used to want death to hurry and come, now I want to live and do so much and now, I've had that consuming feeling a few times. Once I completely succumbed and just climbed into bed, not expecting to get up the next day.

I now am TRULY grateful every morning when I awaken and arise to a whole new day. Heavenly Father surely knew my thought, desires and feelings ... He could have let me die, unprepared. But He wants even me to be able to return home.

I know that many, many people suffer and struggle with so much more. Physical ailments, illnesses and injuries multi-fold times worse than aspergers or epilepsy. So I am grateful as well, for the chance to learn to overcome some of the weaknesses and hardships they cause.

There's just that overwhelming logical part of me that wants to assign a reason as to why my loved ones (sigh, mom) would prefer to speak about me as if I am both mentally challenged AND a conniving witch.

Yoou don't suppose I am so very challenged I am completely unaware of my conniviness? Naw, I have an IQ of 142. I only forget the most common things, like, what time to be at work or to put my phone in my purse before I leave .... drat, I think I forgot to turn on the dishwasher.

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